One year earlier I experienced a shattering delusion that inflicted my thoughts for every day to come. I stood looking into a mirror, contently analyzing the features of my outline. The waves throbbed inside of my head and motioned sensations all through my body. I felt instantly controlled by a lucid dream conducted by the most sinister of thought. It brought me down into a tunnel so far that I could feel the heat from the core of the Earth and the quality of each breath becoming more distant and vacant. It became troublesome. My features morphed in the mirror into a hideous beast and inside I shrieked with absolute horror.
I found the core of my being and loathed it as hard as I could. I focused with all my attention on the darkest, most twisted ventures of life as I knew it and held it above anything else in the world. In the mirror I could see my flesh deteriorate and fall to the sink in a goopy mess. The tissue under the skin dropped in clumps from my face and splashed into the bloody, clogged sink. Now my face was left in bones; my skull began to dry and splinter in the light above. I looked down at my hands and they began to tremble in fear. Tears shed from my sunken eye sockets and I lost the ability to control my emotions.
I curled myself up inside of the shower into a ball. I felt like I was bathing in my tears, lost so hard in the chaos of the world. I could no longer find a meaningful place and wondered so much what is was like to be gone and free of misery. I was isolated and alone in here. Really, consciously I wasn’t, there was a gathering of folk just thirty feet across the room, joking and laughing about the gaiety of the moment.
I knew then, curled up inside of that ball, that I was lost in my own self meaningless. I heard voices echo in the distant, I heard their great applause. It reduced me to nothingness, I felt abandoned and completely alone in the world.
I want to slap me directly in the face. I want to throw a right jab into my jaw. I want to hear my teeth clench together, screeching like a chalkboard. I could snap the curtain rod, let the hangers fly in a disarray all around the floor and wrap myself in the plastic sheathing curtain. I never graduated to the certain occasion, so I hung onto it in thought for quite some time.
As I laid, curled in my insufferable intolerance, I imagined everything that I love being taken away from me in an instant. It was so powerful, so draining. I had felt the grip of death so many times in my life, yet it had been at a steady, constant pace. Laying here I felt the wrath of everybody dying before my eyes. I saw it all, each and every last one of them, laying over in a heap.
In an instant the world could be decimated by a horrendous attack, and left wasted in the soil, rotting inside a destroyed rock by the click of a button. I no longer felt safe in the world. The Earth suddenly felt like my enemy and didn’t negotiate in the slightest with the human condition. The innocence and naivety of youth had been decimated.
Enchanted in my spell I teetered off the yellow brick road and found myself lost in a world of unimaginable destruction. The ground shook with bass thumps and tremored lightly with the claps of lightning. I heard angry voices and relocation of a past lunch. Flying through the air chimps and gorillas landed in the brush, storming after me. I ran, being flogged with debris as I made my way deeper into the lost realm.
I could hear faint whispers and thoughts from my beloved and the rest of the crew. I heard them, but could not see them anywhere. They seemed so far away, their laughs and giddiness raged through the night. I fell desperately asleep alone and terrified, trapped in the depths of a horrid real nightmare.