Misery loves company. What happens when the miserable host cannot find a soul to leech onto and spread its darkening wings? The host latches onto itself and succulently feeds in every breath. It grows and morphs into a hideous being, taking all life out of the host. This virus mutates and spreads through every blood cell. The blood thickens, becoming a viscous useless syrup-like mess.
I can’t breathe. I feel the pounding in my chest, the beast wants to break through its’ literal ribbed cage. What you start to see is no longer me. I am imminently perpetually lost. The beast has taken over my speech. It utters thoughts I knew not existed. It speaks with such passion and anger. When my lips move the saliva springs out, wetting my surroundings.
My nose curls up and my mouth contorts to a steady, angered frown. No soul has the power to tame the beast inside of me. Every attempt makes him grow stronger and more powerful. His rage and laughter heightens immeasurably until it takes ahold of me entirely.
I’m infected. I feel swollen and agitated. The boy that I used to be, with such innocence and wonder, had been lost in the depths of manhood. I tighten every muscle in my body, trying desperately to cling onto the last fragments of childhood. My body builds up an abundant amount of pressure and the beast exhales steam from my generated breathes. My core is a fiery inferno. Chugging and moving along, building momentum, it shrieks while skidding across the steel tracks.
I can no longer control the rage and fire. It’s burning so hot. I stand in the snow, wrapped in the arctic chill. It is no match for my hell. My fury dissolves the cold and only my bones are left to defend itself. I want to jump. I want to fall so far beneath the world and never know light again. I want to be free from this exhausting discomfort.
This life, this wicked illusion can no longer be my perception. I am too much removed from it. I can see its’ fallacy. I want to scream at the top of my lungs until my vocal chords stretch and tear. This beast has taken too much from me, I can stand no more on my own two feet. I am reduced to anger and perplexity. I could take one step back, and let the wind catch my back as I crash into the silence. I want to erase the beast within. I want to capture it and detain it, then smash its’ ugly skull against the concrete sidewalk. Get out of me! Find another soul to conquer, because I swear, if I cannot escape this perpetual misery I will jump, and you will be defeated with me!
I keel over, my head shaking with pain. I begin to perspire and my nose clogs and drips violently. With my left hand gripping firmly onto my kneecap I take my right and shove my fingers deep down the back of my throat. I twist and turn and rip at my esophagus. I choke and then the bitter bile inside of my stomach tears through my body, up and out of my mouth. It spills onto the concrete in a thick, slimy mess. My watery, red eyes look down at the pile beneath my feet. I see something move and writhe in the muck. Something can’t breath and is fighting for survival.
It is the hideous beast within my body. I have extracted him and sent him to this world. It stands up, fumbling for footing, and wraps the bile around its’ body. It runs through the streets as I try to chase after it. Running fast down back alleyways and jumping over piles of garbage I continue on searching for the beast. I round a corner, then another and it’s lost forever. Defeated I slow down, hunch over and softly whimper to myself. The beast evaded me, and for certain it will sneak up on me again from behind and attack without warning.
It is a bittersweet feeling to be wrapped up in. I am relieved for having ridden myself from the tortures of melancholy yet walk on with fear. I am constantly looking over my shoulder to see if there is something behind trying to pull me back down into a tunnel. Sweet, sweet misery, you are my downfall.