I burrowed deeper; the oxygen in my body begin to slow. I was heaving for air. Since I have found solace in the silence I made a way to survive the darkest climate. Looking through my periscope I could see people as they walked past, happily frolicking past my tunnels. It was a rare treat to see somebody else fall into the well of darkness. On those occasions I would dig parallel with my current tunnel and open the passage between us. We would confound on the level of indifference we share on the world up top, and then, just as we have met and established a link, one or the other eventually either digs deeper or climbs to reach the surface.
I always admired the ones who fell and immediately pulled themselves back up, abandoning their tunnel. I saw them as the ultimate liberators of emotion. When they were in their recluse, it was temporary, like an insignificant punishment from a scolding parent. Not many have I seen below the surface, truly engulf themselves in the sweet silence and bask in the coldness of the Earth.
I spent so many years in and out of my crafty tunnels. I’d jump up to the surface for a short visit; say hello to family and friends, and then once I was completely drained, I’d crawl back into my hole. I let the energy leak out of my pores onto the people I surrounded myself with, illuminating my presence. It was always incredibly exhausting. It was irritating. Just when I thought I reserved enough capable energy inside of myself to go out, it immediately burns out.
I began to lose justice in the court that I was serving. There seemed to be no conclusive override to tame my endeavors. I was innately captivated by the lure of indifference. It calmed my veins and nurtured my wounds.
I work in shifts. The essence of my chemistry is in the North and South Pole. I am estranged to my wits. I calculate my own errors diligently in order to find a reason to quit the certain situation that I am in. The polarity of my life is off any given compass. If you were to place my emotions on a grid, and map it out on a compass, you would see the arrow turn in circles, never stopping on a fixed location. And, if it did stop at a certain location, it would quickly invert and take new direction.
I am my own worst enemy. I continually call myself out in order to get a reaction out of myself. Whether it may be positive or negative, I understand not, for I do not work for the aspect of being content, rather for some reason a sort of mind-boggling negligence. Do not be confused by negligence, for I am only that to myself. I do not wish to carry on my disbelief with anything around me, in fear of hurting a saved glorious soul, free from internal turmoil.
There is a sacred tunnel of mine in which I wish to never dispose. This tunnel, when I dig right into it, opens a gateway for sheer impulsion. I begin to act in an accordance so unruly to any usual behavior. There is a sort of elation, or high, if you will, in this state. I am down and out, cowering deep in the darkness and silence, yet when I see this tunnel I act out of my wits.
I begin to go numb and simply move. I have a way of staying above the holes and communicate respectfully when burdened by impulsion. The moment the feeling is drowned out, I feel lost and completely harmed by my own motivation. Sometimes my impulses will drag out for such an extended period of time that when I snap out, I look back at my decisions and wince. It’s like waking up in a new world everyday, not knowing which way you are to go or what way you just came from. I turn around, and see nothing that I recognize. I look straight ahead and see a blurred patch of reasoning, and try so desperately to put the two together. Vision always seems so fleeting; it comes and goes in waves.
Its like finding out everyday that the love of your life had never actually met you. You feel betrayed by your own instinct and cannot foreshadow anything of merit. The tiniest insecurities build up into a giant wall and surround me, and I cannot seem to let it go. Minor details run my brain, it is the only focus I know. The larger picture seems so vast and uncertain. Its like putting a puzzle together when there are ten different puzzles scattered in between each other. It takes eons to dissect them and place them in any proper, logical order.